She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. Prov. 31:18

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Yes, it's been a month since I have posted here. A month of bad barb. Haven't gained weight but haven't lost. Had to let the new caregiver go and it was very hard for me because I knew she needed the job. But it just wasn't a good fit and I have to put my mom first. So I could go on and on, blah blah blah, about my life crap but I won't. The good Lord spoke to me today and I realized that.... so what? I have to take care of my mom and dad. It's not every minute of every day. I get to have my evenings with my husband. I get to sell my eBay stuff and go to garage sales on Thurs mornings. I have an iPad to bring to my moms. I am healthy, and so is Kirk. My fingernails are still nice. I can wear flip flips all day if I want. So what's my problem....other than I am fat. Life is good. I really CAN go in my craft room and create something even tho i only have an hour...I don't need to wait for a block of time. I CAN go camping for just a weekend instead of a whole week and still have fun. I CAN give my cute little momma hugs all day and know there is nothing more important in this world than letting her little demented mind know she is safe and sound and secure. God is Good all the time. I am the ungrateful mentalpausal one.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Day 0 Battle of the Barbs

Bad Barb here, and I have been here this whole Holiday weekend. We went camping and we had ice cream and chips and other bad things. Very Bad Things. It rained a lot.
 Good Barb kept trying to speak up and show her self but I kept slapping her down into denial land. UGH.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Day 33

Having a hard time. The last few days have not been what I would like them to be, like they were last week.  A few slips, no binges or anything, but its scaring me. And a holiday weekend coming up...  Pray for me!
I had to make a zillion cupcakes for the church bake sale and I ate one. UGH! Hadn't had sugar in 33 days. Going to take them today so they are outta here. Bought a ginormous bag of carrots and will take some with me wherever I go today. Fortunately I do like them, not much else good for me tho.  That is the main problem, I love junk! Fatty, greasy, sugary, vitamin-less junk! Need to really take some time and find some veggie recipes I can love. Well that was certainly good Barb talkin' cause Bad Barb is saying "Yeah Right" in my ear!

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Day 31

Note to self:  Don't buy the Skinny Popcorn again unless it is measured into portions immediately upon arrival at home!  Just sayin...
Went away to friends for the weekend and didn't do to bad....wasn't perfect but there was no crunch snacking or desserty things happening. Oh, except for the skinny popcorn in the car on the 3 hour drive there...which wasn't real bad but nevertheless can lead to real bad.
 But struggled yesterday because I was unprepared and unorganized with no groceries in the house and no time to get any. Will stock up today and feel like I am still on track. 
My friends live in the country and it was just beautiful and peaceful and I am jealous. Here are a few photos I took.

The last 2 pics shows a jar rack on an Amish farm down some road near the Michigan and Indiana border.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Day 28

I found this huge bag of popcorn at Costco called SKINNY POP and its only 39 calories for 3.5 cups.  Its not bad and it helps my crunchy cravings. Potato chips are my number one addiction and I won't even include them in my world because there is no stopping. Well! Bad Barb earnestly tried to creep in with the popcorn. The rationalizations of how much 3.5 cups is went all screwy. I am going to have to measure out portions.  Seriously, can't she give me a break. Good Barb persevered!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Day 26

Good Barb here.  Lost 13 pounds which is mostly water but still, the face bloat is going away. The rest of my body hasn't changed a lick.  I still feel motivated and strong though.  
Having dinner with friends this weekend, so I am trying to psych myself out early that I can order something healthy.  Eating out is the worst. But if good Barb is here then I should be good.
Again, I know to someone who is not a compulsive overeater, this Good Barb/Bad Barb thing sounds really stupid. But seriously, an addiction is like having a split personality. Ask any addict. You absolutely positively do not want to do your addiction but you do it anyway.  Sick.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Day 23

Happy Mother's Day!
So had mom and dad all day today from 7:30 - 5:00, which meant I had to have 3 meals for them. And I did good! We ALL ate  I made gorgeous chicken and veggie kabobs which normally would someway,  somehow involve potatoes but didn't today. Everyone ate good and then my brother and family came and brought cookies....ugh. But I didn't eat any, and they went home with mom and dad.
I have decided.... I now know what I am doing and this is it. Simple as pie. Hard as ever. I am counting calories. That is it. I eat what I want, if its is a lot of calories oh well, I won't get much to eat that day. I found a site that figures how many calories to eat per day by your height and weight and how much you want to lose. You recalculate as you lose. Thats it, done thinking. This is what I am doing and I better dang well stick to it! (see! that was bad barb, like there is another personality that can take over and ruin it!).   I mean really, weight watchers is just counting calories in points...1 point is about 50 calories. I have a brain, I don't need any gimick, I need to JUST DO IT!
So I am  down 10 lbs from the start which is about 3 weeks. I don't care how slow or fast it takes I just want to be in this good state of mind, feel good and energetic, have no parts of my body hurt and not hate myself.
Geez! I would of rather had zits.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Day 22

So another weekend is here and I am still good. Bad Barb is pulling at my shirt sleeve so its not that I don't want to be bad but I am not. Its been warm and every year I say I am not going to be fat and hot this year and every year I am fat and hot.  Anybody see the sickness there?  Again, my brain to science.
Have not found a caregiver yet and have 2 weeks to do so.  Praying that God will provide as He has always faithfully done in the past.
My husband and I drove out to the country today and even tho it was pouring rain I loved it. I want to live there so bad and that can only happen when parents are gone and then parents will be gone and I don't want that. What I want is to magically make everybody healthy again and take them and go live in the country.

Here is a picture of my step daughters, the grand daughters and me.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Day 19

So one of our caregivers for my mom who is there 5 nights a week has given her notice. I did not eat over it. But it is stressful and very hard to find someone to replace her who I trust. 
God usually sends me somebody perfect so I shouldn't worry.

I almost went and joined Weight Watchers today. I just can't decide if I want to. I can't decide anything.
Just want to be normal. Just want to stop overeating. Just want just want just want....

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Day 18

I am ready to switch from low carb, but to what? Thinking Weight Watchers but I don't feel sure about it. I don't actually need to join, I have done it so often and soooo many times I know it by heart and have all the books.
I just want to be normal, just eat when hungry, stop when full and not binge on sugar or chips.
Why don't I just do it then you ask? I DON'T KNOW! I am an addict. I cannot stop once I start.
I was a skinny kid until I was 5 and I have the picture on my fridg to prove it. I call it my "last time I was skinny picture". Then I got my tonsils out and within a year I was a pudge.  Been ever since, going up and down and up and down, but never thin.     
I don't know, I  just don't know.